I Got to See Behind the Curtain…


God took me through a unique journey. It has lasted over 7 months (so far). I wasn’t told what it was about or even that it was starting, but it was obvious. I got to experience, first hand, how having lingering, unforgiven sin has an affect on my daily life. And I believe this will help others.

I got to physically feel torment, and it was painful. I understand how there’s a spiritual dimension because I’ve interacted with it. I’ve felt it and I have seen it. There was no physical evidence that could be seen, but I could certainly feel it. God put me through a process where I had to get clean – by confessing and giving my sins to him – even though I was already saved.

You see, this is a part of salvation I didn’t understand too well. I got saved when I was 5 years old, and everything was going great until I became a teenager. Life got really tough for me. On top of that, I had a youth pastor who made it clear that if I committed any sin at all and it wasn’t confessed, and if I got killed in a car accident on the way home, I’d end up in hell.

Operating on what he said put me into a cycle of guilt for 30 years. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how Christians could be happy. I even spent a few years partying it up with the world, which got me into a little trouble. But that lead me back to God – at that point, I wanted to find out the real plan of salvation.

So, I prayed a pretty dangerous prayer (in retrospect) asking God to show me the real plan of salvation so that I really understood it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it at all, but I had no idea I’d get this “behind the curtains” look at it and that it would be so intense.

Here are my notes on the torture I had to endure – this is not a complete list as I’ve left half of it out:

  • Twisting something sharp into my head
  • Right ear – poking different ways (with something sharp and with a finger – constant tapping, twisting it, rubbing it with what feels like a violin string or metal rod)
  • Drilling into the back of my head (mm)
  • Finger in my armpit – just a constant tap there
  • Operating on my back, poking, drilling (by hand)
  • Spiders crawling on me
  • Installing panels on me
  • Sprinkling something on me
  • Making me tired – then to just wake me up
  • Fake increased heartbeat
  • Vibrating feet as I walked
  • Full body shock
  • Constant vibrations being thrown at me
  • Random pains all over

The torture really showed me what being handed over to the enemy was like (how they want to kill, steal, and destroy). And there was no escape from it. No matter where I went or what I did, it was there. God was gracious enough to give me some breaks and some nights of sleep, but they were only brief respites.

What God Said

God gave me several words during this time:

  • You’re being worked on (vague at the time, but true)
  • Sometimes, the only way out is through
  • Rest in me
  • Trust in me

(And then two more things I’ll mention later.)

That’s all I had to go on. This was no just about earning my helmet of salvation, but also learning how to trust God and get the shield of faith. I was being put through the fire – the refining fire.

At times, when I had everything right with God (that I knew about), I’d still experience this dimension, but it was kind of benign things that were being done to me – like, being covered in something (maybe it was grace, not sure).

But then, I’d have a day where I really blew it and where I went back to what my flesh wanted. I’d end up having a terrible night, being poked at again. You see, at night, we’re all very vulnerable, and we need our sleep, which is why the Devil would choose that time. And, sometimes, I’d get hit with it even when I believe I had everything right with God. That was the fire, the refinement, the testing – where I had to just trust him.

What Did I Learn?

I learned quite a bit. I had 2-3 people close to me throughout this experience (which is still going on as I type this – ending, it feels like). They got to experience a few things with me, but I was really the only one who really knew what was happening.

First, trust God – no matter what. When everything is upside down and backwards, keep trusting God. Nothing made any sense. I tried to not cast judgement on the situation and I’d just keep saying to myself, “I don’t know.” So even when you don’t know what’s going on, God does. Keep going while trusting him.

Second, rest in God. What does that mean? To me, that means being still so that you don’t make any waves and make it worse. While you’re still, praise him and pray. Remember, sometimes the only way out is through. God’s not going to pluck you out of every situation and save you that way, but he is there and he will get you through it.

Third, submit to God and look for what you need to learn without overthinking it or completely figuring it out (since that’s not trust). Your job isn’t to figure it out – it’s to stay near him. While you’re doing that, look at the Bible and make sure you’re living in obedience. It’s a time to take a quick look at yourself and ask Holy Spirit if you need to do anything – like confess sin or ask forgiveness.

Fourth, I learned we can go into the Courts of Heaven. Yeah, that’s a thing. It’s exactly like going to court. I don’t know much about this still, but I think there are different kinds of courts like the Mercy Court and Court of Grace. There’s a certain protocol to follow, and you can find out what the Devil has on you so that the blood of Jesus can be applied once you confess. The angels are the Bailiffs, and they enforce God’s judgement, which is in your favor if you are saved.

Fifth, meet with God daily for devotions and pray constantly. Have a set time – like right away in the morning (get up early), and meet with God. Find a devotional to follow to make it easier. I like to journal. I’m faster typing than writing (and it’s cleaner), so I use a document on my computer. I then go into prayer and praise. Throughout the day, I pray. Sometimes it’s a simple as “Jesus, please help me” or sometimes, I just take a break, close my bedroom door and really go into prayer and praise.

And you can pray to either Jesus, God the Father, or Holy Spirit. Praying to God the Father seems more natural to me and that’s how Jesus said to pray. I’ll often ask Holy Spirit to pray and intercede for me.

Sixth, memorize scripture – to use to fight against the enemy and to fight against being tempted.

Seventh, take every thought captive. This means to think about every thought that pops into your head and examine the source. Does it line up with God or no?

Eighth, if God tells you something personally, keep you big mouth shut. This also goes for knowing some advantage you have over the enemy.

Ninth, do no lean on your own understanding – in all your ways, trust God.

And most importantly…

Tenth, forget just about everything above. It’s not what you can do, it’s what God can do. Less of me, more of you, God. Tithing, fasting, praying – they’re all good things, but those things do not make you stronger or anything. That’s just obedience – humble obedience. The power of the name of Jesus is all you need. God wants all the glory, which is why you need to just sit still.

And remember, I’m not through this yet, so… to be continued.

The Refinement Process

Refinement burns off all the things that weigh us down, so it’s a good thing. Spirits are like ticks that attach themselves to you and weight you down – not by how big they are, but by the amount of damage they can do. Refinement burns them off since that’s the only way to truly get rid of them.

The more you seek God, the more he can work and burn these ticks off.

For me, I have never been through a process this intense, so I didn’t know what was happening. None of my friends had ever seen this either. There was one word, near the beginning where someone said, “Some alignment needs to happen” and that’s what this was – realignment with God. (one way or another) Am I 100% there yet? I don’t know… I want to be. It might not ever get to 100%, but I want to get as close as I can.


Like I said, as of the time I’m writing this, I’m still going through this. I’m not sure what else needs to get done or whatever, but I’m just waiting on God, and I’m resting on him and in him. God will let me know.

And there were two other things God told me a little while ago:

  • It’ll be over soon
  • I’ll know when it’s over (because I asked him about this)

I don’t know if it’s connected, but I’m even going to need some surgery. I had a symptom come up while this went on. I didn’t know if or how it was connected, but I do need some surgery. That’s in God’s hands.

And I don’t know if my “behind the curtain” view will end either. There’s some good to it, but it also drains my energy a little, so… whatever God wants is fine. I think I can operate better without it, but God might think differently. If I did keep it, it would keep me more connected to God, asking for strength, so that’s good.

In the end, I know God is working this out for my good. He’s getting me ready for the next level – whatever that is. I belong to him, so that’s his choice and I trust my daddy (Abba Father).

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